Do you think that polyamory is a cowardly way to deal with inability to create and maintain meaningful, long-lasting relationships?

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Weird question to ask me to answer. I wouldn’t ordinarily answer such a loaded, judgmental question.

No, I do not think polyamory is cowardly. I think it’s a healthy lifestyle that can bring a lot of happiness to everyone involved, if approached in a respectful way.

What I do think is mostly a lie is the idea of “dedicated, live-for-each-other, faithful monogamous unions.” Not 100% a lie, I have seen a few stable marriages. But most of the marriages I’ve seen were held together by duct tape, willful self-delusion, and threats.

I’m not against the idea of marriage myself, and I fully intend on getting married and having kids if that’s in the cards for me, but the way you’re approaching the task of finding happiness in a partnership.

By focusing on dedication, you are elevating this thing, the marriage, over the needs and wishes of the two people involved. I’ve learned the hard lesson over the years that this rarely works out well.

Just because the two of you are dedicated doesn’t mean the marriage will serve your needs. If it’s not, then it’s you that are serving the needs of the marriage.

Once the marriage stops serving your needs, what are you going to do? Dedicate further to the marriage? It’s a nasty downward spiral.

What a relationship needs is room for the two of you to grow. That’s the only way it can survive. And you can’t constrain somebody’s growth just because you’re not comfortable with it. Let’s say he wants to get into BDSM and you’re not into it. If he can’t explore that with his life partner, he’s going to feel constrained and not empowered by his marriage.

You don’t have to do everything your partner wants, but you can’t be a negative nancy and just control him all the time. But if he starts growing in a way you’re not comfortable with, you’re going to want to.

In my experience, it’s the people who most interested in putting marriage up on a pedestal that are least able to roll with the punches like this.

If and when I get married, I’m going to already have verified that my future partner is compatible and able to grow with me in the ways I’m likely to want to grow. I will never risk ever feeling constrained by marriage.