My partner says I'm too defensive, anxious and that we're too different. Our relationship is slowly being destroyed. What do I do to make it work?

Tagged:

I’ve written a guide to managing conflict in relationships, read it to get a sense of the terrain you’re trying to operate in:

Vincent Guidry's post in Relationship Thoughts

You are having arguments 4–5 times a week meaning that nothing is being resolved. You say the arguments are over “small and petty things.” Small and petty things are not worth starting arguments over. People get into arguments when they feel there are no useful ways to communicate.

Fortunately there’s an easy way to get to the bottom of marital discord. Sit down, shut up, and listen. Don’t argue back, don’t try to get your piece in, don’t try to win. Your goal is to gather information that you can think about and use to gain a greater understanding of the situation you’re in.

She is using the venue of an argument to vent her dissatisfaction, the problem is that nothing ever really gets communicated in an argument. So offer her a royal road to get out whatever it is she wants to say to you.

Once you’ve thought about what it is you think she wants, have a discussion that tries to bridge the gap between what she wants out of the relationship and what you want.

Once you have this discussion once, then you can refer back to it if you find yourselves in an argument again, it becomes a touchstone for de-escalation.