Is it normal to have murderous thoughts? Is it some kind of mental disorder?

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A2A, sorry you have to go through this. It could be just your mind expressing bits of itself out of some form of repression. I used to have a friend that was a door guy at a bar, as I got to know him, he opened up about the fact that he often had extremely violent thoughts. He gave off the impression of a coiled panther, under control, yet not somebody to be messed with.

Personally, I would seek out therapeutic services, and do, for way way less. But I make a lot of money and I can afford it. You have to make tradeoffs. If you do decide to seek out services, make sure you have a good rapport with your therapist. In my state, therapists have to have PhDs in psychology.

Thoughts are one thing, but if you can’t control your behavior, then you really need help before you do something that could take away years of your freedom. Therapy is expensive, but prison is way way worse.