Is it possible that God wanted me to kill myself as a punishment?

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That’s just not how God works.

God is supremely interested in what you choose out of your own free will. God certainly can make you do things but if God can predict exactly what and how you’re going to respond then there’s no real point. So anytime God makes you do something it’s always ultimately intended to serve or teach, even if you can’t see how at the time. Even punishment is intended to teach.

Killing yourself is pretty much the opposite of learning.