I am heartbroken in my relationship yet I can't find the courage to leave. What should I do?

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I’d like to help you understand why you need to just break it off and move on,

Relationships have rules that the two people involved are supposed to live by, and roles that the two of you adopt for each other. It’s tempting to think that a relationship without roles or rules can work, but what just ends up happening is one person gives, the other person takes, and eventually the giver just gets used up.

Roles and rules prevent this by making it fairly clear and simple for both parties to understand what’s expected of them.

As a relationship deepens, our understanding of the roles we play for the other person deepen while the rules can somewhat relax. For example a couple that is extremely comfortable with each other might get involved in a swinging lifestyle where they invite other couples to have sex with them.

Trust is paramount in those early stages of a relationship because things are asked of and given regardless of whether you’re really “ready” to or not. You might not really be ready to have sex with your boyfriend, but you feel like you can trust him so you do it for the sake of the relationship. It works fine so long as he doesn’t abuse your trust.

If someone breaks the rules of the relationship, and doesn’t feel like they have to adhere to a role, then that de facto means they don’t respect the relationship. They may say they respect the relationship and you, but the reality of the situation is, they don’t have to do anything to maintain it, so it’s free for them. Nobody respects a free lunch, if you don’t like part of it, you’ll just throw it away.

So what you’re seeing here is, he’s broken the rules of the relationship, and when you took him back, you demonstrated that he doesn’t have to do anything in order to maintain it. He can cheat again, he can treat you like crap, and you’ll just go back over and over again.

So, you need to break up with him for good, and you need to take a serious sit-down with yourself and ask yourself why you took him back. You believed in something that wasn’t true. You believed in a future that wasn’t there, a guy that wasn’t what you thought he was.

Your behavior in this relationship is that of a giver. I know the psychology at play here because I’m a giver too. We give in relationships because it feels good for us. We want to see our efforts bear fruit, and we naturally want to devote our efforts towards a person that we imagine is going to love us back.

The reality is, though, that giving doesn’t make people fall in love with us. Especially if we fall in love with takers, because takers, just like us, have problems defining and adhering to boundaries. They are likely to take and take and take without ever giving back.

What I’m describing is not quite codependence. Your relationship will devolve into codependence, however, if you keep putting effort into it. You already are prioritizing your broken relationship over the rest of your life, eventually you’ll start sacrificing your dignity too. He’ll progressively lose his civility and eventually he’ll become actively abusive. You’ll start to find meaning in the unhealthy relationship.

Once that happens, it won’t just be the relationship that’s broken, it’ll be you too.