I had a 90 minute first drink date and he offered no food or second date. Is he not into me? How do I know if I like him?

Tagged:

Generally speaking there’s always a reason why a first date never makes it to a second date. But also generally speaking, those reasons are never really interesting.

You have one of two approaches you can take when dating. You can take your time picking, go on fewer dates, but vet each one carefully for compatibility before agreeing or asking.

Or you can just ask for and go on lots of dates and determine compatibility on the first date.

I personally fall into the first category. If I’ve asked you out on a date, it’s the end of a long period of reflection and pondering. I’ve already made these decisions:

That I want a new person in my life right now.
That I’m willing to take a chance on dating as opposed to other ways of meeting someone.
Whether I’m willing to commit to a relationship if this goes well.
What sort of person I’m looking for.
What kind of relationship I want right now.
How I’m going to ask that person out.
What I’m going to do if they say no.
Where I’m going to take them.
What approach I’m going to use to coordinate the date.
What sort of date I want.

All of that work has been done before I even open my mouth. And 99% of the time, something happens that disrupts all of that. I can deal with a few roadblocks, but generally something happens that makes me feel silly for having done all that work. But I can’t help it, I think a million miles an hour and I need routine and grounding to be able to actually live in the moment with someone. If they do something I can’t accommodate, I’m off into the weeds and even if I recover, I’m liable to write it all off as a learning experience and move on.

Even if it goes well, I need time to process how the date went and how this new person in my life fits with all of the groundwork I’d laid before asking them out. I have to adjust all of that and then make a decision if it’s something I want to continue. It takes almost as much work for me to make a decision about whether to pursue a second date as it did for me to ask for the first one.

The one thing that can short-circuit all of that is if the person seems as interested in me as I am in them, and we can work out a lot of the issues verbally. It’s a lot more difficult than it sounds and usually doesn’t happen. Even with my current main squeeze communication is arduous and often-times seemingly pointless.

Most people though, don’t need all of these questions answered and can just ask people out willy-nilly. Dates are cheap for them, so they think nothing of not asking for a second date if the first one doesn’t go perfectly. You could ask why, but you probably don’t want to hear the answer.