Why do I like hurting people who claim to love me?

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This sort of thing is subconsciously-driven and it can be hard to stop doing, requiring a lot of therapy and intense effort to locate the source of the behavior, flush out all the different ways in which it manifests, learning how to recognize them when they crop up, and choosing to replace the old programmed behavior with better, healthier behavior.

One thing that makes this that much harder to get rid of is ego. My father is an alcoholic, has been since before I was born. My mom threw him out when I was about four or so and eventually remarried. My father recognizes on the surface that he’s the reason their relationship failed, but still harbors a lot of resentment about other things, like the fact that she later married a military guy and took us out of the state.

If you hold onto the belief that your behavior is justified, you’re never going to really get over it. My father’s relationship troubles did not end after he finally started going to Alcoholics Anonymous. He had a third child through his third wife, and now I hardly ever see him because he terrorized her so much she eventually left the state too. Of course, he blames her for it and will not accept responsibility for his behavior.

Sadly, this is the sort of thing that it’s really really difficult to accept that you’re wrong about. Deep down you still feel like it’s justified, that the other people are doing something to deserve it.

The quickest way out of this is to surrender your ego’s role in picking and vetting partners. Allow your friends to decide who you should go out with and whether you should keep them or not. Your ‘picker’ is broken and you shouldn’t rely on it. Eventually you’ll develop a better set of rules that you can rely on rather than your subconscious. People often say you should go with your gut, but in your case, it’s your gut can’t be trusted anymore.

If you don’t have anybody you’d trust to do this for you then you have bigger problems because that means this problem isn’t confined to your relationships but you are also incapable of trusting your friends either. At this point only therapy can really help you. You already said elsewhere that you’ve received a mental health diagnosis, if you can afford to see a therapist regularly, it’ll be the best investment in yourself you can make.