Can non-exclusivity be a positive factor in a relationship?

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Hey Gordon, thanks for the A2A. I believe the answer to this is yes. Many of the women I interact with on a deep level are not interested in what I call ‘controlling masculinity’. They are more comfortable in a non-exclusive friends-with-benefits than they would ever be in a monogamous relationship.

In general, I’ve found when talking to these ladies that they’ve had controlling boyfriends in the past and want to move past the dynamic. They realize that guys are in general horn-dogs and would rather deal with that than be put on a pedestal and worshipped. They might get jealous of your interactions with others but they a) aren’t feeling strongly enough about it to make it an issue, and b) want to hear about it because it’s fresh and interesting to them.

When I notice this, it feels weird to bring up the idea of being exclusive, like I’m ‘not getting it’ by doing it. They’re not thinking in those terms and so you bringing it up is just you being weird. They’ll accommodate your ‘wish’ to be exclusive but only because it seems to be important to you. They won’t elucidate on their thought processes in that direction.

Maybe it’s just me, but most of the women I’ve gotten entangled with were like this, almost to the point where I wonder if guys are all massively fooling themselves into believing that exclusivity in dating is what they want. It’s not. It’s what you want. You are the one that gets worried that the ladies are going to sleep around. In my experience deeply interacting with women, I’ve found it’s not the case. Women in general get deeply attached to men and the men become their rocks.

What’s awful is the hiding and the lies and the lack of respect that results from it. You can cut it all out by talking frankly about your other relationships before the assumption of exclusivity sets in. When I do this, if it’s early enough, I’m met with curiosity and interest rather than hurt trust and animosity. But you have to be authentic about it and not in any way deceptive.

I’m toying with the idea of just going full-on Franklin Veaux and just declaring to any potential suitors that I’m poly. Not certain that’s the best approach though. I wind up having to educate, rather than letting these things evolve organically. Hinting at non-exclusivity without diving straight at it like a weirdo seems to both convey the message and make it easier to swallow.

Nobody meets the next suitor in a vacuum. There’s always old boy/girlfriends that are still around, and talking about those experiences and how they evolved and why they’re still talking with them and what each sees in the other are fun conversations. At least they should be. You get insight into the other that you otherwise wouldn’t have. Relating is hard. All the information you can glean is worthwhile.