Why do people feel the need to connect sexually before they do emotionally?

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In general, it is because they are largely unaware of their own emotions, a state that most people who are usually call “immature.”

Emotional maturity appears to happen at different rates for different people. Childhood experiences often very heavily affect this timeline. Using drugs or alcohol before young adulthood also severely impacts this development.

Emotional development involves the thinking and emotional parts of the brain getting to know each other. But there’s another part of the brain that is also involved in creating the sense of self, the survival part.

The survival part of the brain doesn’t just shut down just because the emotional brain doesn’t know how to talk to the thinking brain. The survival part is what keeps driving young men to pursue sex, and young females into accepting their desires.

This can persist well into adulthood. I’ve seen many many couples that didn’t seem to have any intimacy at all still manage to have sex. And I’ve seen couples who seemed on the surface to be very intimate admit to me in private that the bedroom wasn’t a very fun place for them.

I think developing good partner choice and learning how to navigate dating and relationships is essential to emotional health. Say no until you get the chance to say “hell yes.”

While you’re busy saying no, observe those other people, and yourself and your reactions to those people, very carefully. Watch how they don’t seem to be attracted to anything you really are, and how your initial impressions often prove to be wrong. And how these misconceptions don’t really matter much to them, because they’re listening to their lizard brain constantly telling them to jump into bed.

Eventually you’ll learn to recognize those with rich inner lives and personal boundaries made up of more than the flimsiest cheesecloth. These are the people you should build connections with and have sexytime with.