If you're in an open relationship, what do you do to prove to the person that you wanna be with them and only them forever?

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People crave intimate connection. Intimacy is driven by honest vulnerability. A solid relationship is driven by the sharing and fulfillment of needs and desires. This I call the healthy side of love.

Eroticism, what we actually find sexy, is driven by two different forces. First is the aforementioned vulnerability. This is healthy for relationships. The second is feelings of power, control, and objectification. These must be tempered so they do not lead to abuse. This I call the shadow side of love.

It’s the latter component, objectification, that generally leads to people opening up their relationships. They go into it with a naive assumption that they will be able to remain faithful while having all this other fun with other people.

But intimacy doesn’t work that way. Once someone gets a taste of the shadow, which sexual exploration with strangers allows them to explore more freely, the healthy side tends to follow, and before you know it the “real” partner feels neglected and used.

Because he/she is being neglected and used. Many people in open relationships won’t be honest about just how much fun expressing the shadow side of intimacy is. Lack of honesty destroys the healthy part. And the virtuous cycle of love devolves into an abusive mess.

The answer to this conundrum is to not have an open relationship. At least, not until you are capable of expressing of exploring both the healthy and shadow sides of intimacy with your partner. Cut things off with all the side flings, and refocus on the partner you’ve built a healthy relationship with.

Still express your shadow side, just do it with your partner.

It’s hard, I know. It’s hard to look at an old partner like a new one. It’s hard to get that playful objectification going, it’s hard to share power fantasies.

But it’s life changing if you get it right. Once you learn how to truly love one person, not just get satisfaction from them, then consider opening up your relationship within a frame of total fulfillment. But don’t be surprised if it seems far less urgent.